Dear Diary, You won’t believe what my human said today. She looked me dead in the eye — while I was minding my own business, licking my paw and contemplating the mysteries of the couch — and said, “Buddy, you need to get a life.” EXCUSE ME?! 😤 I wake her up every morning. I protect the house from dangerous plastic bags blowing by. I chase the evil red dot she keeps summoning from that demon stick. I even supervise her bathroom breaks — for safety reasons, of course. And I need to get a life? Ma’am, you’ve been in pajamas since Tuesday. You talk to your plants. You binge-watch true crime and then scream when I bark at the door. You call that living? Meanwhile, I’ve got a thriving social circle: the mailman (my nemesis), the neighbor’s poodle (my crush), and that one squirrel who owes me an explanation. If I had thumbs, I’d Uber myself to the park, start a podcast, and name it “Humans: Lazy, But Lovable.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to nap for six hours and dream about having an owner who doesn’t project her laziness onto me. 🙄 Sincerely, Buddy “I-Already-Have-A-Life” Barker 🐾